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"Tell the chef, the beer is on me."
“ One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.—
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad. ”
Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via dorkvader)
i feel like this should be published and sold everywhere
(26) I just got a Brazilian wax for the first time. Not for anybody else, for me. I’ve never seen or felt myself like this before and I love it… I really love everything about it. I love my pigmentation, I love my mole. I never even realized how dark everything is (she’s so dramatic). You can’t see in these pictures but my inner lips are the brightest pink. 🌺
- Do you play any sports?
- Favourite part of a woman’s body?
- Favourite part of a man’s body?
- Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?
- Is crying embarrassing?
- Ever been cheated on?
- Who was the last person who disappointed you and how?
- At what age did you lose your verginity?
- The best vacation you’ve ever been to?
- What was the last gift you received?
- What is your favourite thing about yourself?
- Share a quote that keeps you going in life.
- Do you like going to the beach?
- What is your hair color and do you like it?
- What do you live for?
- Would you consider yourself smart?
- Do you want to get married?
- Can you sing? Do you love doing it?
- Name someone you admire and why.
- How many followers do you have?
- Do you remember when you created your blog?
- What was the last thing you ate?
- Is there something you’ve wanted to do by now but you never did?
- Do you have enough free time?
- Are you following your dreams?
- Do you like cooking?
- What is your favourite food?
- Name someone pretty.
- Would you consider yourself happy?
- Describe your crush.
- Where would you love to live?
- A place you’d like to visit?
- Favourite subject in school?
- Nike or Adidas?
- Dogs or cats?
- Ever done drugs?
- Why did your last relationship end?
- Can you commit to one person?
- Do you believe in Friday the 13th superstition?
- What is your name and do you like it?
- Tell us about your first kiss.
- What is the most terrifying situation you’ve ever been in?
- Favourite scent of tea?
- What is your favourite Disney movie?
- Favourite alcohol?
- At what time did you fall asleep last night?
- What is your style?
- Ever been in love?
- Ever had a terrible break up?
- Post the last picture you took with your phone.
- How old do you think you’ll be when you get married?
- Favourite social media?
- Ever sent a nude?
- What do you do when you’re home alone?
- What is your night routine?
- What is your morning routine?
- Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?
- Would you have sex with someone the same gender as you?
- Would you have a threesome?
- Promise to give back a number.
- Condoms are only 98% effective when used correctly.
- Sugar can cause infections in the vagina. This means things like chocolate sauce, honey, and lubricants with glycerin can be harmful.
- Having sex with an intoxicated person is legally rape in most US states, even if the person verbally consents. In the eyes of the law, drugs and alcohol impair your ability to consent to sex.
- Unprotected anal sex is the most dangerous sex act when it comes to spreading STIs.
- Not everyone can climax from oral sex or even likes oral sex. Don’t assume—ask your partner what they want!
- Condoms expire! Check the date on the wrapper. Also, storing them in wallets is not a good idea (see #8)
- If someone with a vagina has unprotected anal sex, semen can drip down into the vagina and pose a (slight, but still real) risk for pregnancy.
- Do not keep condoms in your wallet. The friction and heat exposure of keeping them there can make them ineffective. Keep them somewhere cool, dry, and out of sunlight.
- You should be tested for STIs with each new partner you have. Annual appointments are not enough protection if you have multiple partners in that time.
- Having anal sex does not lead to a gaping asshole unless your partner is literally an elephant.
- Sex with elephants is illegal. Don’t do that.
- Masturbating while wearing a condom can help people with penises get used to wearing them before sex.
- Penis size does not define your worth. It is not the be-all, end-all factor for most people.
- In fact, lots of people with large penises have trouble having sex without hurting their partner since the average vagina size is 6”-8” when aroused (it’s only 3”-4” when not aroused!).
- Your first time will almost definitely not be your best time. That’s okay, I promise.
- Herpes and pubic lice can still infect you if a condom is used if testicles come in contact with a vuvla.
- Only one out of three people can orgasm from receiving vaginal penetration alone. You’re not broken.
- People with penises can orgasm without ejaculating.
- The muscles in a vagina can be abnormally tense and cause intense pain when penetrated with a toy, penis, or tampon. This is called vaginismus and treatment for this includes relaxation therapy and using medical rods to help the muscles relax.
- The number of sexual partners you have does not define you. This rule applies to all genders.
- A diet of lots of dairy and meat can cause ejaculate to taste bad. Fruits that are very sweet (like pineapple) help combat this for some people. However, due to body chemistry, medications, and other factors, it might not always do the trick.
- Dental dams make oral sex with someone with a vulva safer. They are thin sheets of latex and can be home-made by cutting the ends off a condom and slitting it lengthwise to make a alternative option if you don’t have access to dental dams.
- The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings in it. That’s twice that of a penis! So, go gently until encouraged to do otherwise.
- Sex does not have to stop when someone ejaculates. Remove any condoms or clean up any mess, and keep going until everyone is satisfied!
- Communication is the number one factor to a better, healthier sex life.
- The hymen is not a bone, and does not break. It is a membrane layer that stretches. It can tear, which can lead to pain and bleeding. However, sex for the first time (or ever!) should never hurt. Go slower and focus on foreplay to increase natural lubrication.
- Sexuality is fluid for a lot of people. Don’t worry about labels until you’re sure in your sexual and romantic interests. Explore freely and worry about terms later.
- Orgasms release hormones that are natural pain-killers. This is why some menstruating people masturbate when they have cramps, because the body naturally reduces pain after an orgasm.
- The hormones released also account for why some people cry or get very emotional after an intense orgasm. It’s totally normal.
- There are limitless kinks in the world and so long as they are safe and consensual, there is nothing wrong with them.
- Medications and mental health disorders can mess with your sex drive. Talk to your doctor if your sex drive has suddenly increased or decreased after starting a medication—there may be alternatives.
- There is nothing “un-manly” or “gay” about enjoying anal play. Most men who try anal enjoy a little sensation in that area. People with penises also have a p-spot (prostate) and can have intense orgasms through anal penetration.
- Always use lubrication generously to avoid vaginal or anal tearing.
- Urinating after sex can reduce the risk of a UTI in people with vaginas.
- Enjoying casual sex does not make you a bad person if you are up-front with your intentions and don’t maliciously seek to hurt others.
- Condoms come in multiple sizes! It should never be loose or painfully tight.
- Being sex-positive does not mean that everyone needs to enjoy sex. It simply promotes the happiness and sexual exploration (or non-exploration) of others.
- Porn is not an educational guide to sex.
- Certain positions feel better than others. Switch it up and find out what works for you and your partner(s).
- Condoms are more likely to break if you don’t leave a reservoir tip for ejaculate.
- Labia are often asymmetrical. Your long/uneven/poofy/dark labia are beautiful and there is nothing wrong with your body.
- Up to 80% of people with a vagina can squirt with either g-spot or clitoral stimulation.
- Drug store pregnancy tests are just as effective as brand name ones. In some cases, they’re even MORE effective.
- Elevating your butt with pillows can make missionary sex easier for those of us with a big tummy or thick thighs.
- Plan B does not work on people over a certain weight (160-175lbs).
- There are safe alternatives to condoms or oral contraceptives. Talk to your doctor about your options.
- Sex toys can open up a whole new world to folks willing to explore.
- Orgasms can be highly psychological. Most people can’t climax when they’re upset or distracted.
- Birth control can cause people to miss periods or spot in between periods.
- Sex doesn’t have to be gentle if you don’t want it to be. There are healthy ways to explore rough sex or BDSM.
Communication is the number one factor to a better, healthier sex life.
I would also like to add that it’s totally okay to not be interested in sex, to be repulsed by sex, to not feel sexual attraction, or to otherwise be asexual. Sexual relationships and/or attraction are not requirements to be a perfectly normal human being.
"Tell the chef, the beer is on me."
"Basically the price of a night on the town!"
"I'd love to help kickstart continued development! And 0 EUR/month really does make fiscal sense too... maybe I'll even get a shirt?" (there will be limited edition shirts for two and other goodies for each supporter as soon as we sold the 200)